Then God’s Chosen People set out
From “The Land of the Free”
And “The Home of the Brave”
And found themselves in the Wilderness of Sin.
They set out on June 26, 2015.
As you might expect,
God’s Chosen found much cause to grumble.
“If only Jesus had raptured us all
Prior to Roe v. Wade,” they moaned.
“That would have been a true celebration of life.
For in those days, men married women
And women married men
And didn’t worry themselves
About what men did on the side.
We winked at adultery
And invented no-fault divorce.
We gave in marriage
(And a great deal more)
And ended marriage just as easily,
For marriage is almost as sacred as life itself.
It says so in the party platform.
God therefore rained blessing and land and home
Cuz that’s how God works.
cf: Ward and June Cleaver. Savvy?
“But now we have been led into this wilderness
To be disgusted by the abominations
That we all agree are the abominations
That God really and truly cannot abide.
Other vices, ours in particular,
Are mere peccadilloes.”
Then the Lord said to His Chosen,
“Look. I affirm to you now,
Notwithstanding this wilderness,
That your men can still have relations
With their wives,
And vice versa.
Six days a week, in fact,
You may still have relations—
Twice even on Saturday night, if you like,
Because it’s fun, and because… because
Your women will need a break
From your men at least one night a week.
See that you give it to them on Sunday.”
So God’s Chosen People rejoiced, and discovered
That in spite of the Nine Judges of the Land
They could indeed still have relations.
Their ability to copulate had not been impaired.
Monday through Thursday, in fact,
Husbands coupled enthusiastically with wives,
While those alone in their tents, so to speak,
Managed to keep their hands to themselves.
Come Friday, however,
Men of the Chosen got “lit up,” as they say,
Cuz that’s how the Land of the Free rolls.
And while they were thus sanctimoniously inebriated
They “worked late” and cruised the strip
And “talked a bit” with “single folk”
About the curiosities and details
Of the ordained nightly spousal relations.
These discussions, not coincidentally,
Also took the form of something
That mightily resembled marital relations,
As you might also have guessed.
On Saturday, despite the license
For multiple spousal conjugations,
Many of God’s Chosen People,
Being shagged out from their Friday debauch,
Sat on their porches
Or in front of computers
Or other portable electronics
And wondered to themselves and aloud
And especially on Social Media
Whether other Chosen couples
Were having relations three or four
Or maybe even five times that night,
And were chafed at being restricted to twice.
They also speculated freely about which friends
Were not having relations at all
And whether, perhaps, some men
Were in fact having relations with other men.
And they vomited lustily.
On Sunday, most men were just disgruntled
At having “missed their chances” the night before
While the women mopped brows in relief
That the Sabbath was not made for Man
But that men might just give it a rest.
Some men, however, did indeed
“Give it to” their wives freely and deliberately
Misinterpreting the Word of the Lord.
So as you might have surmised would happen,
God’s Chosen People once again
Did pretty much as they pleased
After going through the motions,
And by the following Monday
Had already forgotten what God had said
Just seven days prior.
And they returned to their griping
With renewed vigor.
You may have heard pastors
Talk about this familiar pattern.
“Ministry would be great,”
The pastors have said,
“If it weren’t for the people.”
So they cried out to the Lord,
“What should we do with these people?
They are ready to stone us!”
Then the Lord said, “Leave me alone.
Trust me, you don’t have to tell me
How stubborn and rebellious
(Not to mention self-righteous)
My… ahem… Chosen People are.
I think I shall let my anger blaze
And destroy the whole lot.
Check back for results tomorrow.”
And the pastors replied, “Well,
That would be a bit out of keeping
With the whole ‘predestination’ bit, wouldn’t it?
But we do see your point.
And your solution would certainly
Make our jobs a good deal easier
If significantly less profitable.”
The Lord heaved a heavy sigh.
“Not in the mood to defend them, eh?
Well, see if they can’t just get two things
Through the thick Chosen heads that rest
Atop their very stiff necks.
“One: Freedom is a gift
not an idol to be worshiped.
Two: It is more brave to obey
than mind your neighbor’s business.
“Now, get a move on with your mission,
But don’t expect me to be seen with you.
For you lot are, frankly, an embarrassment.”
And the pastors went and consulted with themselves
And discerned that God’s message could be rephrased
To better tickle their parishioners’ ears
And forestall another round of stoning.
So it was that God’s Chosen People
Never learned their lesson
And to this day remain
In the Wilderness of Sin.